"Why Most People Waste Their Single Life"

Can I let you in on a very real conversation I had with my husband tonight?

Me: Babe, I have a speaking engagement in September in this certain state. 

Cornelius: Is it confirmed? 

Me: No, they just requested me. 

Cornelius: We will have a newborn and a 2 year old. Heather, I know you want to help people and I get it but we can't be so focused on going on the road that we aren't taking care of our home.
*Sorry, I didn't announce it here, but I am pregnant! :) Due early July 2015*

Me: Wait, what babe? I never leave the home unkept!

Cornelius: I know Heather, but things are changing now. Your family is a priority before your speaking engagements. If you travel on Friday or Saturday, then I would have to study with 2 babies and then get them ready for church. So, if you plan on going or you really feel led to go to a certain one, make sure that my mom or someone is here to keep the babies so we can keep this ship moving.

Me: You're right. I will adjust and make sure that I'm taking as many and I will be sure to be led by the Lord.

My family 

As soon as our conversation finished, this scripture grew in my heart:

1 Corinthians 7:33-35

I should like you to be free of anxieties. An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord.

But a married man is anxious about the things of the world, how he may please his wife,

and he is divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit. A married woman, on the other hand, is anxious about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

I am telling you this for your own benefit, not to impose a restraint upon you, but for the sake of propriety and adherence to the Lord without distraction.

You maybe thinking, "HEATHER! That is NOT fair! How is he going to tell you that you cannot take as many speaking engagements? Why can't you just take one kid with you? Why not this.. why not that? How is he gonna CONTROL you?! Nobody should control you! 

Well, to answer that question: 


Matthew 11:5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?

My  husband and I are one flesh. YOU lose the right to be "independent" of him or her when you get married. You have a responsibility to ANSWER to someone else. You left your family, your single life, your ways, your mindset, your decisions and you become ONE flesh with your spouse. And.. if you do run off & ignore what they say..

Mark 3:25 And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.

Amos 3:3 How can two walk together unless they agree?

So if you continue in your separate thinking, your house will be divided and it won't stand. There will be frustration, confusion and sorrow. WHY bring that independent, rebellious attitude into a marriage? Then, when you have kids.. they will feel the wrath and so will your spouse who feels like a single parent. This is why you make sure you discuss these things before the ring. I knew that my husband was a family man (as I'm family woman) & I knew that the priority was family first, THEN ministry. He didn't want a wife that was out of the home for 90 hours a week, so I wasn't surprised. Same goes from me to him. I didn't want a husband that traveled and was out of the home for 90 hours a week. I didn't want a man that was NEVER at home. I didn't want a man that never came home at night. 

Even in the above, I was tempted to think the same way as many of you that read that first part until the birth of our son Logan. Then, I realized how much he needs his mama. I realized that God gave me a responsibility to raise and teach Logan and I cannot push that responsibility off on mama in law & them. I'm still breastfeeding Logan at 21 months and when I'm away, I have to pump, prepare and travel with the milk. When I'm not at home, there's a missing piece in our household.  I put down Logan every night for bed and I enjoy these moments that we can never get back. We have a church and a local responsibility so on Sundays, I get our son ready and I'm up with him at night. I want my husband to be prepared and alert to preach on Sunday morning. My family needs me. What good am I if I run all over the world to help everybody else but I'm neglecting to take care of my first responsibility, my FIRST ministry, my HOME?

Titus 2:4-5 New Living Translation (NLT)

"These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children,

To live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes,[a] to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God."

Now, don't get me wrong. I get that women can work outside the home. I get that they can travel without their families. I get it. BUT you have to do what works for YOUR home. In my home, we travel together, work together and pretty much do everything together. We do take man trips & girl trips here & there. There's no "law" in our home. BUT there is a level or respect that says, my family is FIRST after God. (So, GOD is our entire foundation as He comes first, then my family, work & ministry life) My husband rarely takes speaking engagements mostly because he thinks it will disrupt the flow of our home and traveling with children takes ALOT out of you. We don't want our son to feel second to ministry as a preachers child. I believe that most "PK"s rebel because mama & daddy put them second to the church and the stage. I've talked to the most stable PK's & I'm like.. WHAT did your parents do differently? They always respond: "they included me in everything. They never felt like they had to compete with the church." And in our home, we like to set that same atmosphere. You still may not understand why we do what we do.. but you could only REALLY understand if you lived in our home with us! :) It works for US. So, communicate with your one-day spouse & get on the same page PRIOR to "I do" so you can make sure there's no huge surprises there. 

NOW to main point.

If you're single. Excuse my english: 

You aint gotta deal with that. 

If you're single you can go backpack in Europe for 6 months, eat cereal every night for dinner and nobody will complain, you can take a job as a flight attendant and fly all over the world! You can join 20 ministries at church and devote your weekends to your friends and feeding the homeless. You can go do missions in Africa for 6 months, you can wear yoga pants ALL day long with your hair wrapped up.

This isn't to "high" five single life or to bash marriage because BOTH have their proper seasons. The focus is to get you to realize that some of ya'll are WASTING your single life WONDERING "When your Adam is going to wake up?!" You're worried about God's timing. You're wondering, hoping and wishing about your husband. Every new guy that comes in the church "is your husband" and your focus is totally off! There's a SEASON under the sun for everything! You are literally WAITING for your life to start when you meet that "person." So, you won't buy a house, you won't buy a bed, you won't do much of anything because you're "waiting for your  man."

You've made it an idol. 

Let's look at this example: 

If I'm walking towards a building, my eyes are totally on the building. I'm not focused on what's going on around me, my eyes are glued to the building. My focus is set. I'm headed in that direction. 

This is how it should be when we are single and this prepares us for marriage. Our eyes our set on Jesus! He's our foundation, our hope, our peace, our wisdom, our joy! 

But, some of us are focused on the shed that is opposite of the "building." Although we know that we should trust God & live for Him.. we still feel like maybe God is taking too long and we have to "help" Him out. So, we take our focus from the building to the shed. But if you would turn around and focus back on the building with the RIGHT foundation, then God can really lead your life. There will be many seasons in your life. You will have quiet seasons. You will have seasons where God has you busy. You will have seasons where you feel lonely. You will have seasons where God wants you to travel. You may ask, Heather, I don't have the money do "do what I want to do." Honey, if God wants you to do it, He will provide a way! Let Him lead your footsteps. 

I look back over my life and I believe that I wasted ALOT of time as a single. I remember that I had an opportunity to go study abroad to London during my Junior Year in college but I passed on it because my then boyfriend didn't want to go. I was so insecure that he was going to cheat on me, (which he did when I was right down the street) so I PASSED on going to London for some man that I ain't with today. That was just ONE of many time wasters when I was single. 

Do I miss being single?

Single Days NYC 2004

                                                             

Of course not! I LOVE my little family. But I DO miss the FREE time that I once had to roam about uninterrupted. This morning, I was woken up by a 21 month old at 6AM who wanted me to make him some juice. So, I woke up and made juice. Then, he started screaming, "Eggs mommy! I want eggs!!" So, I made him eggs. (Mind you, I'm 3 months pregnant and still battling morning sickness). Daddy was downstairs working out and I didn't want to interrupt him.. so, to making the eggs I went. Then, I needed to change his diaper. Get him showered, dressed. Then,  pray, then read, then do this.. then do that. 

I USED to wake up when I was single and I would go straight to my quiet time bay window and I would spend an hour with the Lord before work. 

Life has surely changed. And I wouldn't change it for everything but it does put things in perspective. I am THANKFUL that I set a foundation as a single to spend time with God because now that I'm married, it's even HARDER to get to that place but because I KNOW better, I am intentional about that time. So, don't wake up in regret one day of all of the time you wasted when you could have been TOTALLY devoted to the Lord. 

If you have children and you're not married, you may be thinking, what about me?

I'm not sure if your situation but if you have shared custody, you're still free to run around when your child is with the other parent! Or, if you have good, solid family members that will keep your child while you're away-- that's great too! Just don't stay away too long because again, you have responsibilities to be a mother or father. 

I pray that you really hear my heart on this. When you trust God's timing, you will be focusing on HIM, not WHEN.

And honestly, this mindset of "waiting" for your man doesn't hold too well in marriage. Once you DO get married, you will look to your spouse to fill every void, every hobby and make you happy because you set in your mind for YEARS that a relationship will ONLY make you happy. It's like it was the missing piece to your joy. But GOD is the only missing FOUNDATION and from Him comes all gifts. I ran into this problem when we got married because I made everything about my husband that I didn't have a LIFE. Those first 6 months were hard because we moved to a new state and we didn't have friends. But in my "head" I had this fantasy of what I think marriage should be like and I put PRESSURE on my now husband in the beginning because of this lie I made up in my head. Things got much better after I started blogging, doing small groups with women then eventually starting Pinky Promise because life was back dependent on God and not a human. My husband is amazing, but a terrible god.

Don't train your mindset to think that joy comes from people. It comes from the Lord.

So, what do you do?

1. Go spend time with God.  Let Him lead & direct your paths.
2. Find a good church home that teaches the TRUE word of God. Not all that crazy, weird, confusion.
3. Join a local Pinky Promise Group for sisterhood. (Or find something in your area with like-minded Christians
4. Obey God immediately.
5. Renew your mind daily. You can't live off of last weeks bible study.

Hugs!

God loves you like crazy,

Heather Lindsey

And then there were 4. Coming soon: July 2015

Just a few things:

1. Find my books, purity rings, shirts & all that good stuff via www.pinkypromiseboutiques.com!

2. We have developed an APP! Think: daily post notifications + weekly devotionals, recipes and so much more! It's out NOW for iphones + Androids. Under Heather & Cornelius Lindsey: Today With the Lindsey's

3.  If you live in Atlanta, I want to invite you to our church. Join us on Sundays at 11:00am at Landmark Art Cinemas. Our churches name is: "The Gathering Oasis"  931 Monroe Drive NE Atlanta, GA. We also have our New Years Service at the same place at 10pm EST! Join us! 

4. My book is selling like crazy! I'm so thankful for all of you that have supported! Check it out here: My New Book! Pink Lips & Empty Hearts:  www.PinkLipsAndEmptyHearts.com AND my new book,  Dusty Crowns, here! 

5. Register for the 2015 Pinky Promise in Atlanta, GA! It sold out last year, so you don't want to miss out! www.pinkypromiseconference.com 

6. As always, you can join a Pinky Promise group locally! There's about 30,000 ladies that have joined! Find a group near you by joining & checking out the intro page! Join here:www.PinkyPromiseMovement.com

Where is my Ring??!

So, everybody around you is getting engaged! Every day you log onto facebook you find that YET another person is engaged! Although you're happy for them, deep down-- you're thinking umm.. ANOTHER PERSON?! UGH! WHEN IS MY TIME?!??! You go to church, pray, spend time with God, you're living right but HOW is it that all of your unsaved co-workers are now engaged.. or all your friends are engaged, married.. having kids but you find yourself.. still single. 

I just want to encourage you today sis. I have felt how you've felt and I have been where you've been. First and foremost, you have got to stop comparing your life to another person. You've heard this before but I'm going to remind you that you're a Christian. You have the Holy Spirit living on the inside of you. Do you know what that means to all of heaven??! You've been adopted, set apart, pulled aside, HIDDEN and PROTECTED under the care of CHRIST. Do you think He's going to just let you run off any marry some of anybody??! Anybody can get a ring honey. You can walk outside and pick a random up off the street and make him marry you. Proverbs 24:1 says: Be not envious of evil men, nor desire to be with them. So.. that should clear up being jealous of a bunch of random unsaved people that are getting engaged. They don't belong to Christ which means that CHRIST has no say-so in their relationships! The WORST feeling in the world is for you to walk down the aisle to a man that you KNOW God didn't tell you to marry! Yes, God is always speaking. He's always with you. Are you listening? And this isn't the time to run and preach to them that they shouldn't be getting married if they aren't saved. Bashing them over the head with the bible once engaged won't make them run to Christ. Just smile, hug them and say congratulations while you pray for their salvation.

Each season in your life will develop to the next one. If you're worrying non-stop about getting married, you'll finally get married and then you'll worry about kids. "Everybody is having kids and you don't have any kids." Then, you'll finally get pregnant and then you'll compare yourself to all of the other pregnant women and worry about your entire pregnancy. Then, kids will finally come and then you will compare your kids to everybody else's child. Do you see how destructive this cycle is??! And remember, we're Christians. Jesus is so clear to us when He tells us.. 

Philippians 4:6-7
6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

So.. are you allowing His peace to guard your mind during this season of your life? Or are you on a mad search to "finds you a man?" I want to encourage you to get off of your dating sites as you "SEEK" a spouse and get on your face before God & "SEEK" Him. Don't let being single make you bitter sis. GET UP!  You shouldn't be in that waiting room waiting for him! Single life is NOT a waiting room for MARRIAGE. Marriage is ministry and if you were lazy with your walk with God while single when you get married, you'll get smacked in the face by the EFFORT that it takes to make a marriage GOOD & last. We wait for cars, we wait at the doctors, we wait for the train, we wait for appointments. And when the mechanic, our ride, the doctor or the train is LATE.. we get frustrated! We look at our watch & we're like come ON!! If you don't know what train you're supposed to get on, you'll hop on any train that comes because you're TIRED of waiting. Some of us have been on the wrong train for awhile and we need to get off of it because it's PUSHING us further and further away from our destination. Some of us have been "dating" men that we WISH would marry us but we know deep down that that fool has zero standards and no relationship with God. He won't spend time with God, he won't pray, he would rather play with your body then study the bible, he is CLEARLY not husband material but you would rather in that moment forgo being SINGLE than to have to deal with being lonely again.

God was MUCH more concerned about my purpose than changing my last name. He knew that He needed to pair me with someone who was individually pursing Christ the same way that I was pursing Him. I believe that if it was the will of God for my life, I would have waited even longer before I met Cornelius BUT God KNEW that we would come together & get BUSY about the Kingdom of God. He knew our hearts. He knew we wanted to please Him. He knew that our #1 concern in pursing His name. We were individually pursing Christ alone. The fork finally met & we knew within 15 minutes of meeting on January 3, 2009 that we were getting married one day.

Sis, I want to encourage you to get back to the place of worship and begin to trust God wholeheartedly.  As a NOW wife I SEE how much work goes into a marriage and I'm telling you that you want homeboy to have the basics. You're going to want your one-day marriage to glorify God and then when you DO have kids.. you're going to want your HUSBAND to lead your household as a Christian leader. You may not see how important it is because your clock is "ticking" but I want to remind you that Sarah got pregnant at 99. If you don't know who Sarah is-- read Genesis.

 So remove the words "I'm waiting for my man" from your vocabulary and replace them with "I TRUST GOD'S TIMING concerning EVERY AREA." We must become desperate for Christ and stop being desperate for a relationship.

You didn't get a ring this engagement season because it's not your TIME. YOUR ADAM has yet to awake (click on the link for the blog about it) and you cannot let those around you that are getting married DISTRACT you. On Christmas day 2008, I spent it alone with my family as a single woman. I met my now husband 9 days later. He proposed 12 months later.. on Christmas day 2009. You never know how God can turn things around! First step: Be content wherever He has you right now! Trust that if that DOOR was supposed to be opened, HE would have opened it.

(1 minute after Cornelius proposed!)

So what do you do in the interim?

1. Guard your heart: If Facebook is ruffling your feathers, maybe you need to pull away from it for a little while so you can focus. Stop watching stupid shows on TV that include sex, adultery, fantasies, or whatever else. Don't you realize those things can OPEN a door into your heart?

2. Be happy for others: If you aren't happy with yourself, you won't be able to be happy with others. So sit before God & be honest. You can tell Him that you're jealous & bitter and TIRED of being single. Ask Him to HELP you to want to WANT to be ok with being single.

3. Ask Him to show you the joys of being single. Get prepared to get tested.. but don't worry, the tests will make you stronger & mature you. Remember that you're SUPPOSED to be doing something during this season. What is God trying to accomplish & get you to DEVELOP in? Is He having a hard time because you're ignoring Him & focused on .. this world?

4. Find a local church & get involved! Surround yourself with like-minded Christian women! If you aren't in a Pinky Promise group, there's about 300 groups all over the world! These groups are SISTERHOODS. Period. We encourage each other-- build each other up. Work on studies every month and really keep each other accountable. www.pinkypromisemovement.com

5. SPEND TIME WITH GOD! Honey, when you're on your face before God-- you don't have time to be worry about what is on sister susie's ring hand finger! You're BUSY about PURSING God and you're TIRED at the end of the day. You won't have time to be jealous of anybody.

Stay focused & encouraged sis!

And before I go.. I'm BEYOND excited to announce that my FIRST book is being released next Friday, January 4th!!!! This book is for the woman that is completely dressed up and broken inside. It's for the woman that feels like.. she isn't doing enough, saved enough or whatever-enough. It's truly the all-in-one book for the woman after God's own heart! It will be available via Kindle, Amazon & my own personal site! To pair with the book, "Pink Lips & Empty Hearts" I'm coming out with my OWN lipstick line with 3 shades of PINK! I will share those details later AND the link to purchase the book when I have it!

Here's a few things I will discuss: 

• Find contentment whether they are single or married

• Develop a deep, intimate relationship with Christ

• Eliminate the desire to play the comparing game

• Prioritize their busy, day-to-day schedules

• Develop and grow into the gifts that God has placed inside of them

• BONUS: Practical tips about hair and beauty, as well as other money saving tips and resources

And speaking of rings.. I have a Pinky Promise Sterling Silver ring that you can wear on your left ring hand finger that serves as a reminder that you're married to Christ (Isaiah 54:5). So wear IT or another ring as a reminder until your one-day husband replaces it with your engagement ring. You can find it at the Pinky Promise Store! www.heatherlove.bigcartel.com. I've always said if you want a ring so bad, buy one & get over the hype. :)

AND Check out my new website that has my calendar and other fun updates about the new church we're starting in Atlanta, GA! :) www.heatherllindsey.com! 

God LOVES you like CRAZY,

Heather Lindsey

It was worth the trust.

The night of the engagement!