Can Guys & Girls Be .. Just Friends?

 Sooooo many people ask me this questions. Can guys & girls be friends? I'll give you the straight up answer and then I'll back myself up.

No.

You heard it right. ME personally.. I don't believe that guys & girls can really be friends. Understand that I'm coming from a wife's perspective. But when I was a single woman, I didn't really have a bunch of guys as my friends. They were more-so acquaintances. They were guys from my church and we would all go out in a large group with girls & guys and we would hang out then. There wasn't a ton of 1:1 friendships going on. Now, as a wife- I'm cool with my friend's husbands and when we're all amongst each other--we will converse, but I'm not calling or emailing them on the side.

Let's be clear:
The Bible does not forbid close friendships between men and women. As Christians, however, there are some principles that we would be wise to heed. Married people especially need to be wary of friendships with members of the opposite sex because temptations are more likely to arise when there are marital problems. If a man's best friend is a woman who is not his wife, he is likely to share these problems with her, which can lead to an unhealthy emotional attachment.

Most married men (or women) who have affairs purposely go out to find a romantic interest outside of their marriage. So many people say, "I didn't mean for it to happen; it just happened." These things "just happen" when we put ourselves in situations that are difficult to control. When a man has a wife who is not necessarily very attentive to his needs, he could easily feel that he has fallen in love with another woman who does give him this attention he craves. And LADIES, don't even think "this won't happen to you"--As a wife, you're GOING to get tested and that "guy friend that is always there for you"--is going to fill a void in your heart if your husband who you see all the time is driving you nuts. In a vulnerable state--you WILL cross boundaries. So there is NO option for me. It's Jesus & my husband. WHY create extra wars in your mind & think that you have a back up plan when your mad at your spouse? (This goes for those of you in relationships too)

Even a marriage that is built on a foundation of faith in Christ and has relatively few problems is not immune to extra-marital temptations. This is why the Bible does not tell us to stick around and try to fight temptation, but to flee from it like we do from all "youthful lusts" (2 Timothy 2:22). Trying to fight temptation seems to become especially difficult when it comes to matters of the heart or the lusts of the flesh. First Corinthians 6:18 tells us that we need to run away from sexual sin, because it is much easier to run away from temptation than to stay and fight it.

Married men and women should carefully avoid putting themselves in compromising situations when it comes to the opposite sex. If they are seen together in public, it will give the wrong impression. If they are alone on the phone or in person, they will subject themselves to the temptation of an emotional or physical affair. The Bible tells us that everything we do should be for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31), so the wise thing would be to stick to visiting as couples or "double dating" with other married couples, as opposed to risking the complications associated with close friendships with the opposite sex

So if you're single and thinking--this doesn't apply to me. I'm not married. This is how it applies to
you.

Guys & Girls

1. Their mindset is different- They communicate differently. A guy may be just being nice to a woman for YEARS and she may secretly like him and hope that one day he does ask her out. So if you're being nice.. she may catch feelings. Either way, she's emotionally connected to you.

2. It is natural for a man to be attracted to a woman and vice versa. Although you're friends.. you'll find things about each other that are attractive to one another. There's not enough boundaries to put in place to stop that next level from happening. So, YOU may not like him but how do you know if you're on the same page? He may secretly like you & won't tell you because he knows that your friendship could be ruined. If you go around and ask most men if they would "get with their female friends"--they would say YES, if she let me.
Check out this funny youtube clip that I found----> called "Why Women & Men Can't Be Friends"

3. A friend is supposed to keep you accountable and a friend is caused to keep you sharp a man needs to be sharpened by a man and a woman needs to be sharpened by a woman because they are of like mind. There's NO way that a man can tell me or help me understand why my hormones rage 1x a month and how I can deal with it. Just sayin'. :)

4. What happens when you do get into a relationship? There may be conflict between your "best male or female friend" and your now girlfriend or boyfriend. For example, if you're dating a guy and his female best friend hates you--it puts everyone in an awkward situation. But men, if the woman you're dating is someone you want to marry one day--your "best friend" is going to have to understand that she is going to have to be friends with your girlfriend in order for her to continue her friendship with your YOU. If the person refuses to be friends with your girl--then they have disqualified themselves from your life.

5. What about those secret affections for you? He's just friends.. she's my "homegirl."--and deep down.. she's thinking.. I want to be with you so the friendship is hurting her. So you become his back-up friend. You hang out with him a TON while he's single but as soon as he gets into a relationship--he stops spending time with you and starts spending time with his new girl. Then, you feel stupid because you really care.

So yes, maybe when you're 8, you can be friends with your neighbor of the opposite sex. However, we ALL know how those hormones get kicking in after that age & they become prospects.

Some of you may disagree but MOST of you have an end goal to be married one day. If you really want to be married one day--spare yourself all of that drama. If you ask ANY husband or wife--they will tell you that they aren't comfortable with their husband or wife having a best friend of the opposite sex. I don't are how you flip it.. there's still that nagging uncomfortable feeling. It's not jealousy, it's a holy righteous jealousy that is rightfully so. A marriage is powerful covenant & it's to be protected.

Go out in groups with guys  and girls & be kind to them. My husband & I went out in groups while we dated. You can best see a person's true colors in groups because they aren't putting on a private show to impress you. OUT of those groups--yes--1:1 dating can happen FROM a friendship. But you must court with a purpose.If you need advice from a male perspective, get on the phone with a husband/wife couple that are Christians and that are committed to helping you. Men, find another guy that can pour into you & help you out. If you don't have any.. ever thought about asking God? He's your PROVIDER. He has your back!

Also, my husband is my best friend. NOW. We courted with the intention to MARRY. We knew that we were going to head down that road so we were "friends" with a purpose. Any guy friend I used to be friends with .. is now friends with my husband. It just is.. what it is.

God loves you like crazy!!!

Love,
Heather

He's JUST Not That Into You

Have you seen that movie, He's just not that into you? I haven't.. but I'm pretty sure that based on the title I can figure it out pretty quickly. So it was on my heart to write a blog about this and it can go for "She's just not that into you as well"--so I pray that this meets you wherever you are.

Sometimes it's more NATURAL for woman to express themselves and what they want in a person. Which makes "He who finds a wife, finds a good things & obtains favor from God"--even more challenging for my ladies who want to make sure that the brotha' knows that she likes Him. Ladies, you are SO precious and SO beautiful to God. You don't have to compete for a man, throw yourself at him or lower your standards for him to be with you. When you do that, it's based in the fear that you don't think that God can fulfill your desires. And most likely, He won't. HOW can He fill your relationship slot when it's filled by a random? YOUR heart is FILLED up by the random you selected and all of the baggage from your past relationships!! God wants you so free & so whole so you can finally learn Him and experience His love. He is so jealous for all of the things you place before Him and He wants your HEART.  And throughout this time you're saying, GOD I want to hear from you--what is my purpose?!  Before He tells you your "grand" purpose--He's telling you to cut off some distractions or anyone who is keeping you from Him. He'll give you step one.. then step two. Obey Him RIGHT now. Pick up your phone, cut it off--change your number. Do what you have to do. No excuses.

It reminds me of Song of Solomon 8:4 "Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right." Solomon was THE wisest person that walked this earth (after Jesus of course). STOP trying to awaken love through your emotions until the time is right. There's amazing seasons for your life and God seriously has your back. Start small & just trust Him.

How do you know if a guy is just not that into you?!

1. You're constantly reaching out to him.
A person makes TIME for what is important to them, they just do. If you guys are just "friends"--(and don't get me started on the friend thing--because I really don't think males & females can be "friends" for real but that's another blog). Even if so--a friendship is a two-way street. Stop tracking him down.

2. You're trying to get his attention
When you know you'll see him--are you dressing up? Putting extra care into your makeup and hair? There's nothing wrong with that. But make sure you're doing it for the right reasons and that's for you. When I was single, I liked to look good for me. I liked to keep myself together, eat healthy, work out, get my hair done (or do my hair myself), do my makeup and find clothes that worked for me. I did this because I wanted to represent CHRIST. Yeah that's not the most important thing as God is looking at our HEART. I made sure I spent time with God daily and then I stepped out into the "world"--the world is looking at your PHYSICAL. So maybe someone would come up to me and tell me they liked my hair color and it ended up turning into me inviting them to church & sharing Christ--and eventually salvation. We gotta catch people before we clean them. Let's refuse to be sloppy. If you constantly dress up to look good for someone who couldn't care less.. you set yourself up for continual disappointment. Especially when he turns up with a new girlfriend that next week.

3. You guys broke up...but you're still hoping & wishing
Girl, let it go. Whoever is supposed to be in your life will never leave it. And if that guy is supposed to be there--he'll do what it takes to be with you. It's not rocket science. It's not "timing" or the other lies he tells you. It just IS what it IS. He's not into you, but it's GOOD. You sure don't want to marry someone who doesn't know your value.

4. He's married..but you think you still have a chance because he loves you..
Seriously? He married who he wants to be with. You'll reap what you sow--so I wouldnt' mess with anybody else's marriage. Cut him off quickly. You'll always be second (...or third..or forth) to his wife. And more than anything, you've made him your idol by that point. Harsh word, right? He'll fill up your thoughts as you hope, wish and fantasize about the day you guys will be together as he promises you everything. That is a formula for heartache. LET IT GO.

5. We're dating.. BUT
So you're dating. He constantly RIPS you down, tells you that you aren't good enough and is trying to change everything about you. He tells you that you're too skinny, too fat, not smart enough.. or WAIT- you should be a doctor or maybe go to law school? Your passion isn't good enough for him because he needs to be with a "certain" type of woman. You work SUPER hard to make him happy and NOTHING is good enough. Babygirl, nothing will ever be good enough for this type of man. Let him go QUICKLY. Staying with him will only make you feel insecure, inadequate and build up more walls.

Now if you're married and the above is happening--work it out & just believe God. (that's another blog too)

God loves you all soooooo so much. He wants the BEST for you. So stop settling and make some changes.


God loves you like crazy,

Heather

Our Engagement Video

Sooooo, I've been married 1 year and 6 months now and it's been such an amazing journey! December 25th marks the "anniversary" of my hubby proposing to me 3 years ago. I cry everytime I watch this video. So much time, energy & sweat went into this relationship. If you didn't know--my hubby and I waited to kiss until our wedding day. If you aren't kissing--you're doing a TON of talking and developing emotionally. It was so worth the wait. 1 year of dating and 8 months later (being engaged), we married and kissed on our wedding day. I wouldn't trade this call for anything.

It may seem like a fairy tale, but my now-husband wasn't in the running in my mind to marry. He literally came out of NOWHERE! Prior to meeting him I told God that I was content with being single for the next 10 years because all I really needed was HIM, not people to affirm me. But..God had other plans in store for me--including marrying my now husband and starting The Gathering Oasis, GOD set this up. I couldn't earn it if I tried. God will present you with people and you have a CHOICE to do it His way, or your way. Choose HIS way. He'll remove relationships you aren't supposed to be in & surround you with the people that need to be in your life.

Trust HIM.

Our Engagement Video December 25th 2009

God loves you like crazy.

Love,

Heather

"..but they HURT me"

"Don't use church scandals to justify why you are not a Christian or don't go to church.They didn't die on the cross for your sins, Jesus did."

We've all been hurt before--some of us have been hurt in church and BY the church. Then, we turn on God & reject people because of our pain. Remember that church is a hospital with broken people that desperately need Jesus. If you can recall why you turned to Christ--most likely its because you hit rock bottom in your life. So imagine taking all of those broken people and then ask them to "walk in love", figure it out & have healthy relationships. Many people lead a life of competitiveness, jealousy, envy & lies, then they make Jesus Lord of their life and sometimes, they have to go through a PROCESS to be free from those areas. Then, you get caught in their web of their "process"--and HOLD that hurt against them to this day. Remember that our spirits are renewed, but some of us still need to renew our mind concerning people (some? well, most of us). Mind renewal is a DAILY task. So YES, you will get hurt. Grab every brick that's thrown at you & build a beautiful house whose foundation is on a ROCK--which is Christ.

So..forgive whoever hurt you. Don't blame God for the ones that hurt you. Forgiveness frees you from that situation. Allow God to make you whole.Unforgiveness robs us of the full life God intends for us. Unforgiveness festers  and grows into bitterness. Hebrews 12:14-15 warns, “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root rises up to cause trouble and defile many.” Similarly, 2 Corinthians 2:5-11 warns that unforgiveness can be an opening for Satan to derail us. So who or what is satan using to derail you? Shut him down. Forgive.Love.Receive His Healing.Move.On. :)


God loves you like crazy,

Heather

Struggling to Trust God?!

Ever just felt that struggle in your heart-- that tug that says "I know I'm supposed to trust you God. I know that I'm supposed to say that and be positive but my circumstances look crazy and I have NO idea how this is going to work out! Oh Gosh, God you have to HELP me."

Sounds like a pretty desperate person, right? If everything was already figured out in your life, why would you need to depend on Him? GOD places holes in your hearts & brings you through seasons where you will be FORCED to depend on Him with everything you got. During those seasons you have two options- you can flow with Him and let Him develop you, or you can try to squirm out of it, depend on yourself or harden your heart against Him. God wants us to depend on His grace, the devil wants us to depend on ourselves. Satan is the author of do-it-yourself enterprises. Satan wants you to go try to make it happen. I remember reading an old journal and the Lord told me, "Heather--everytime a problem comes, your first mindset turns to YOU, you try to figure it out and you don't even give Me an opportunity to help you. As soon as you step in, I step back."--I learned that as long as we try to "make" things happen in our lives, God will stand back and wait for us to wear ourselves OUT. Eventually, we do just that--we get tired--weary, broken and then we finally let God step in and do what He's been trying to do all along. Sometimes we can be so controlling over our lives.

So if things aren't flowing together, RELAX. God will always do HIS part, so be sure that you are doing your part.

  Your part includes:

• Spending time with Him daily. Reading your bible, praying,
• Getting a bible that you love to study. (I love Joyce Meyer's Everyday Living Bible, Life Application Bible, Students Life Application Bible, Dakes Bible)
• Set time aside daily. The same way you set time aside for work, people and everything else--you HAVE to make time for God. I've heard that you'll make something a habit if you do it everyday for 21 days--so make a point to wake up 30-60 minutes before you have to and spend that time with Him.
• Go to bed so you can wake up. (you know!) :)
• Cutting off distractions. WHO are you hanging around with? How do we expect to trust God when we're hanging around a bunch of materialistic, negative, power hungry people?
• Obey God daily. You can say that you trust Him with your lips but God is looking at your intentions as clearly as He hears your words. So when the test comes, PASS it.
• LET go of the idea that you'll always know everything & be able to figure it out. You just won't. You have to get comfortable "not knowing" sometimes.
• What are you watching on TV & what music are you listening to? Protect your heart. Things grow there
• When the worry creeps into your mind- talk back to it! TELL worry that God provides everything you need and that by faith, you trust Him. (matthew 6:33), (2 Cor 10:5)

We can go throughout the bible and see so many stories of people that trusted God. Look at Mary and Joseph--they trusted God to impregnate Mary without intercourse. How crazy and impossible does that seem?! It's a clear miracle. I'm confident that's why God chose them. He knew that Mary and Joseph would trust Him. Joseph could have left Mary and said, "You've been cheating on me!" Mary could have pressured Joseph to have sex with her to "make sense of being pregnant" in her mind. But they didn't they stood their ground and trusted God.. 9 months later birthed Jesus Christ who is THE Savior of the World. How amazing. I believe that you're "pregnant" with some things. Don't abort those visions and dreams that God has given you. Trust HIM. HE will make these things come to pass as soon as you get your eyes off of YOU & finally put them on Him.

Pray this with me:
Dear Lord, please help us to let go of EVERYTHING that holds us back from completely submitting to you. I declare that we completely trust you with every single thing concerning our life and that we finally let go of "trying to make things happen". God, I pray that you help us to surrender…even if it’s 50 times a day.  According to Proverbs 3:5-6, we acknowledge you in every part of our life and you really lead us. We let go & roll our care on you. In Jesus Name, Amen.

I taught a message called: "Trusting God--But I Like My Props"--You can listen to it here: You can also find other messages on Trusting God that have been taught by myself and my husband on Itunes--Search under "The Gathering Oasis" or go to www.thegonow.com

God loves you like crazy,
Heather

I'm now happily married! Now what?!

So you've finally met the person of your dreams! Now what?!

Don't forget what it was like when you were single. Yes, you read that right. Yeah--it may have been hard and you may have gone through things but the ONLY time I encourage you to reach back in your past is to be COMPASSIONATE enough HELP a single person up that is desiring to be married. Encourage them that their season is temporary if they're having a hard time being single. Give them tips, pray for them earnestly, constantly encourage them to trust God's timing and wait for Him patiently. Sometimes, when we get married--we get caught up in the life of a husband or wife or mother and we forget to share with others our journey.

We ALL know that if there is a burning desire in your heart to marry--you can be distracted. (I know I was!!). I NEEDED some married folks to encourage me to slow down & to stop getting ahead of God. Not being preachy--but encouraging. As hard-headed as I was, I liked to see examples vs. someone preaching down my throat. So if you're married and in a healthy relationship--SHARE how amazing GOD is to the both of you. Not in a condescending way, but to say that God fulfilled this desire and I didn't have to earn it and you don't have to settle for some RANDOM. His timing is perfect. Don't awaken love before it's beautiful time (Song of Soloman 8:4). The bible is AMAZING but some people won't pick up the bible, but they will WATCH your life. We gotta show this world that GOD created marriage and it's to be honored. Lets submit to our husbands, husbands, lets REALLY love our wives, obey GOD in spirit & truth & make it our business to live for HIM all over again!!

Praying for every single out there. That you will trust God & His amazing timing and that you will take this season and pour your heart out to Christ vs. sitting in a waiting room--waiting to meet your one-day spouse. I am earnestly here for you because I have BEEN there and I've wanted to run into the arms of someone other than Jesus because I got tired of not seeing my standard around me. Don't worry if your standard isn't being met--those people that don't fit your standard are UNQUALIFIED. The right person will measure up.
It's so worth the wait. If I could scream it to the hilltops, God has your back, He loves you dearly, He's with you, He'll never leave you and your times are IN His hands.

So STOP looking at the clock and keep your eyes on heaven. Due time won't feel like forever when you're consumed with God.
God loves you like crazy!
Heather

We're on iTunes!!!

Super excited!! You can now subscribe to all of the messages taught by my hubby & I on iTunes! We've taught on everything from Dating, Relationships, Trusting God, How to build a relationship with God, Freedom from Addictions, Depression, Fear, Salvation and so much more! Just follow the link! ♥

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-gathering-oasis/id487220990


We love you all and we're EXCITED about what God is doing in your life!! And don't forget to check out our website at www.thegonow.com Here you can check out out updates, mission trips, stay connected, speaking schedule, book updates and so much more!

God loves you like crazy,

Heather