"I Want to Leave My Marriage"

Just to be clear, I don't want to leave my husband. I love my husband dearly and what God put together, aint NOTHING tearing apart. I can't imagine my life without my king on this earth. We have decided that divorce isn't an option and that we will work through everything.

BUT, I've spoken to many of you that want to leave your marriage. I've heard things like,

"But Heather, He's not a believer and God didn't put us together." 

"I married the wrong one." 

"I rushed into marriage and he won't change." 

"He keeps lying to me, I don't deserve this! I'm LEAVING!"

You may look at my marriage and think, "It's perfect."  You waited for Gods best and you waited to kiss until your wedding day. I bet you never have problems. 

HUH? 

Honey, I can write this blog with great conviction because we got into a FEW huge arguments and I was on the floor in my closet screaming out to God, "I MARRIED THE WRONG ONE!!!" God, WHY didn't you TELL me??!! I wanted to leave my marriage during the first year of our marriage at least 20 times. We had no ministry, nobody knew us so I started to plan out the divorce in my head. Where I would move and what I would do. It all made sense. 

Then, God stopped me in my tracks. Heather, you prayed for this, didn't you? Yes, Lord! I prayed for this man but this development I did not. 

I learned that my marriage is a MIRROR. It shows me my mess. It shows me all of the baggage I tried to hide, it showed me my hurts, it shows me my pains & made me vulnerable  It shows me where I'm selfish. It shows me myself and I didn't like it. I didn't want to see myself. I didn't want Cornelius to wash me with the water of the word (Ephesians 5) because I thought I knew everything. I wanted to RUN from my development. I wanted comfort. I thought maybe if I run back to my past I would feel comfort again but in that moment I decided to turn to God. I knew that the illusion of the grass being greener on the other side was simple that, just an illusion. ONCE I destroyed my marriage, I would find out that the grass isn't as green because I've always been the common denominator. I played a part in my own destruction. I learned that SATAN is after my marriage and I opened the door WIDE open and I gave him a chance to tap dance on my marriage.

 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,and do not give the devil a foothold." - Ephesians 4:26-27

I walked around in my marriage (both of us did)-- with the cold shoulder. And as we hardened our hearts towards each other, God couldn't penetrate and we hardened our hearts towards him. THEN you don't wanna spend time with God because you know if you spend time with God He's gonna check you and show you YOUR heart. AND you don't want to change because you don't think it's you, you think it's your spouse.

This journey has been far from perfect. Matter of fact, it's plain hard at times so I can empathize with you when things get hard. You want your guy to change. You pray, you share with him what upsets you and it seems like he STILL doesn't listen! He still leaves his dirty socks everywhere, refuses to do the dishes and help you with the kids or whatever else. He ignores your love language and it seems like he doesn't even try. 

My question to you is this, what does he do right? 

It's so easy to focus on everything he ISN'T doing while IGNORING the things he DOES do well. 

Write a list of the wonderful things that your spouse does and stop comparing him to your friends husbands. Did you know that one of the greatest gift you can give your man is contentment? Most of us are so not content with our man that we complain, nag and act like his mama and we wonder why he doesn't like you or want to be around you. You bring up everything that bothers you and you have no filter in your marriage. You're a emotional train wreck and you blame him for everything. He doesn't feel like he does anything right with you because you're so mean and critical towards him. He has pretty much given up on trying to please you because you are UNPLEASEABLE. He takes 10 steps forward and you knock him 20 steps back, reminding him of his past and what he isn't doing as a man. Its hard for him to be around you because you're always mad at something. You play the silent treatment all while attending your church meetings and you're getting all of this information and you're using it to tell him what he needs to do. And after you attend your conferences, you shove the information and books in his place and you missed the entire point of the conference. YOU were at the conference so it can convict YOU but all you thought about.. once again is what he should do to change. 

Newsflash:

Your man doesn't need a mother, he needs a wife. He needs a helpmeet. 

My question to you is this: HOW are you helping him? 

"Well, Heather-- he aint got no purpose, no nothing. He ain't doing what he's supposed to be doing." 

There you go again. You're blaming him for what he isn't doing. Maybe he's not doing what he's supposed to do but God made you HIS helpmeet. So are you HELPING him in accomplishing what God called him to do or are you too busy focusing on what you think he needs to be to qualify as a good husband?

Maybe he's got a passion for art. He's super creative. He loves it but you bash every idea because it doesn't "pay the bills." Everytime he tries to share his dreams with you, you CRUSH them. No wonder why he wants to be around his friends all of the time and not you. This isn't to bash you sis, this is your sister in Christ LOVING you. I WANT YOUR MARRIAGE TO WORK.  I can understand where you are because I've been that nagging woman that tried to change her man. AND you leaving your spouse affects not only you, but me, the rest of the body of Christ and your future generation of children.  

You may say, "Heather, I'm not HAPPY in my marriage." Honey, happy is relative. One day you're happy. One day you're sad. It changes but true joy comes from the Lord. True joy comes from being patient in the midst of attacks and trusting God when it doesn't look like you should trust Him .. and yes that includes your marriage. You may be looking for me to give you a list of reasons or excuses to leave your marriage but I'm not going to give you one. I believe that we focus too much on reasons to leave than we do reasons to stay. And I have to be honest, some of you have experienced really crazy things in your marriage, things I may never understand BUT I am assured of this: 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

The scripture says, "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things."This is what LOVE does. True, unconditional, the world calls you crazy kinda love does this. It doesn't give up, it doesn't quit. It presses through BEYOND it's emotions and it trusts God when it doesn't look like it should. Now, if you are getting physically abused I DO recommend counseling and for the couple to get HELP. If your husband is abusing you, he has an anger problem and I believe that God can even heal that. (whoaaaa, Heather! How dare you?) Yes, I believe that God can heal a broken, battered, marriage. If you're dealing with infidelity in your marriage my heart breaks for you. I'm sure it's very difficult and painful and its stretching you to your breaking point. The best thing to do is  “turn all your worries over to Him. He cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7). Go to the Lord for comfort, wisdom, and direction on a daily basis. God can help us through the deepest of trials.

Adultery is always wrong. “God will judge the person who commits adultery” (Hebrews 13:4). If you've been hurt by this, you have to trust that God is the avenger. Don't rush out and try to get revenge by sleeping with someone else. Love God so much that you would never want to do anything to hurt  Him.  God will do a much better job that you can concerning vengeance. 

So, what do we do moving forward?

FORGIVE. “Forgive people when they sin against you. If you do, your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive people their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14, 15). This may seem impossible, and it will take time, but with God’s grace the victim can make it an act of the will in obedience to God’s Word. To harbor bitterness will affect attitudes, emotions, and the desire to obey God, and it will negatively affect everyday decisions. Refusal to forgive is more detrimental to the offended party than it is to the offender. This does not mean that the betrayed spouse is not going to suffer the effects of deep hurt. Forgiveness also does not make the offense “okay.” Forgiveness is about receiving God’s grace and trusting Him to redeem everything in our lives. It is appropriate to engage the anger and hurt caused by infidelity. Expressing these emotions to God can be a first step toward true forgiveness. Forgiveness is an act of the will, but it also must be heartfelt. Giving our emotions and needs over to God allows Him to minister to our hearts so that we can let go of the offense and forgive as we have been forgiven.

BE FORGIVEN. “But God is faithful and fair. If we admit that we have sinned, He will forgive us our sins. He will forgive every wrong thing we have done. He will make us pure” (1 John 1:9). Repent to your spouse for the part that you played in the destruction of your marriage. EVEN if you don't think you played a part. EVEN if you don't think they deserve it. EVEN if you want to kill them.  When you move your emotions out of the way, the His Holy Spirit will enable you to do what you could not do on your own. “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).

Then, as God leads, forgiveness and reconciliation can follow. No matter how long it takes, every effort must be made to forgive and reconcile. (See Matthew 5:23–24.) .

So, if you want to really leave, let's look at some practical steps. 

1. Start praying for your spouse if you haven't already. Pray that God softens their heart and that God raises your dead marriage. 

2. Expect tests and trials. There's something beautiful on the other side of the attacks that come your way and if you hang in there long enough, your marriage will get better and better and sweeter and sweeter if you stick around to see it. 

3. Fast from nagging and being critical. Just stop. 

4. When you have the urge to address something, take it to God first to see if He wants you to say anything. Everything isn't worth an argument and in comparison to eternity.. most of the silly arguments you haven't aren't worth it.. 

5. Heather, God didn't put me with him. What do I do? My response doesn't matter but HIS does matter. Lets see what the bible says:

1 Peter 3:1-6 

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,

1 Corinthians 7:13

If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.

1 Peter 3:1-22

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,

1 Peter 3:1

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,

Ephesians 5:22

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

1 Peter 3:1-5

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands.

Titus 2:3-5

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

1 Corinthians 7:15

But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

Ephesians 5:21 

Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

1 Corinthians 11:3 

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

I know it may be tempting to quit. I know you don't see a way out. Remember that God gives you a way out of EVERY temptation if you don't QUIT.  (1 Corinthians 10:13) God shows you a better way and that is His way. God so sees marriage as permeant and we should see it that way too. I want to encourage you to stay faithful to God, your husband and to fight FOR your marriage and not against it. You both are on the SAME team. Fight together. It's the BOTH of you AGAINST that situation, NOT you vs. him. When I want my husband to change, I take it to the Lord and I sift it past Him. MOST times, He tells me to hush up and HE will change him. Now, that's hard for me. I have a very strong personality and I almost feel like I NEED to express myself. I had to learn to win him over with my quiet and gentle spirit. My husband would ask me what was wrong.. and I would say, "Nothing sweetheart." And it's NOT being passive, it's that I have given it to God so what was wrong is NO longer wrong with me. And he's right. .there's a lot wrong in ME that's not like Jesus and as Jesus purges it out of me, I want to make sure I'm being the BEST wife to my husband. He isn't my God. He is my husband. I'm thankful for him but my hope aint in him, it's in Jesus Christ and eternity is on my mind. 

My mother gave me some wonderful advice when I first got married. She said, "Get a life heather. You cannot be so wrapped up in your husband that you keep tabs on him 24-7. You cannot depend on  him for your happiness, only God can do that." 

Welp, I got up in my marriage and I got a life while I was still submitted to my husband. I picked up hobbies and I was intentional about making sure that my hope was in Jesus and not man.

If you're still reading.. sister, I can relate to you. I know things are hard. I know you don't understand. I know you want out. I know you've read stories of women who left their marriages and they are happy now. I know you're trying to wonder if that could be you. I tell you this: Compare you life to Jesus only and ask the Holy Spirit what you should do. If you're too busy and too cluttered, you will never hear from the Lord and the voices of many will send you to divorce court. So, protect your marriage. Get an accountability couple that won't tell all of your business and that will push you towards the word. Most of all, spend crazy time with God and stay on your face until HE instructs you. 

God healed my dead marriage. It's still not perfect. But we are working towards perfection daily. He can heal yours too. 

Books I recommend for broken marriages:

1. I'm Married, Now What? - Cornelius Lindsey

2. Created to Be His Help Meet- Debi Pearl

3. The Love Dare 

Just a few things:

1. I  opened up a Pinky Promise Boutique!!! Think fashionable, fabulous purity rings, cross bracelets, journals, statement necklaces & so much more  for women! Check it out via www.pinkypromiseboutiques.com. Use code JESUS for 10% off!

2. We have developed an APP! Think: daily post notifications + weekly devotionals, recipes and so much more! It's out NOW for iphones + Androids. Under Heather & Cornelius Lindsey: Today With the Lindsey's

3.  If you live in Atlanta, I want to invite you to our church. Join us on Sundays at 11:00am at Landmark Art Cinemas. Our churches name is: "The Gathering Oasis"  931 Monroe Drive NE Atlanta, GA.

4. My book is selling like crazy! I'm so thankful for all of you that have supported! Check it out here: My New Book! Pink Lips & Empty Hearts:  www.PinkLipsAndEmptyHearts.com AND my new book,  Dusty Crowns, here! 

5. Register for the 2015 Pinky Promise in Atlanta, GA! It sold out last year, so you don't want to miss out! www.pinkypromiseconference.com 

6. As always, you can join a Pinky Promise group locally! There's about 27,000 ladies that have joined! Find a group near you by joining & checking out the intro page! Join here:www.PinkyPromiseMovement.com

God loves YOU, yes you like crazy,

Love you all dearly,

Heather Lindsey 

"Our Two Year Wedding Anniversary: 15 Things I've Learned"

Sooo, today is our 2 year wedding anniversary! I'm SOOO excited to be spending it with the man of my dreams and my best friend. I decided that it was fitting to share some of the things I've learned from marriage for the past two years. 

1. Marriage is work. I didn't know. I mean, you hear about it-- but in order to keep your marriage strong, you have to work it it. Meaning, you can't "starve" certain areas of your marriage. My husband said that it was important to him that I spoke to him in a sweet, respectful tone. I can't do it for two months & then start cockin' my neck at him & talking to him like he's a child a month later. You really have to listen, meet in the middle & pray often. 

2. The joys of "shut up."-- You ain't ready to get married if you aren't ready to meet in the middle (OR go all the way), shut up & choose your battles. Every single discussion isn't worth a full- blown-out argument. It's not worth it. Sometimes, if my husband thinks that he is right about an area and we've gone back & forth about it in the past.. I just rub his back and tell him ok, & I love him. And don't roll your eyes at me for that. It doesn't mean I'm a doormat. Who told you that WORDS would win your guy over?! 1 Peter 3:1 says to win your husband over without words but by your BEHAVIOR. 

3. My marriage is like no other. I cannot compare my husband to anybody else. He is Cornelius Lindsey & no other. He aint my ex, he aint some person on TV, he ain't anybody but WHO he is and how DARE I try to put pressure on him to be anything or anybody other than WHO God called him to be. He's an amazing man after God's own heart that presses INTO Christ daily. He listens to me, he's a beautiful leader & has a awesome vision. I am working with WHAT he got as God develops him in other areas. Let's all be honest, you have areas you need to work on too-- #grace. 

4. ME. I learned about me. Oh, I knew I had issues when I was single.. but I was pretty convinced that I was pretty close to perfect as I pursued God & lived for Him. lol. PLEASE! Marriage is a MIRROR that will show you YOURSELF. It's like my husband goes into my heart & plucks out (vice versa) areas in our hearts that don't look like God. God allows us to expose each other so HE can HEAL us. Our marriage brings HEALING. 

5. Everything doesn't always work out. T'is true. But now, you have someone to work things out with TOGETHER. There was a time period where my husband and I were having issues with our bank account & until it got settled, we had to eat rice just about everyday. WE didn't fight with each other, we laughed about it!! We enjoyed our rice & created meals out of nothing! We stuck together. In HARD times, don't QUIT. Work through them. Things will get better. GOD is our Provider alone. (matthew 6:33)

6. My husband aint me. Yeah, I have a SUPER happy personality. Even this morning-- I've been up since 6am waiting for my husband to wake up. As soon as he woke up, I started kicking like a little kid & he sat up & said "Please, just give me a minute"-- hahaha!! I KNOW my husband isn't a morning person. I'm pretty much on HIGH 24-7! So I had to really tune into the Holy Spirit & let Him lead me with my excitement. There's a time & place for that. My husband LOVES my happy personality but I also have to meet him in the middle at times. 

7. The head of every wife is her husband, the head of her husband is Christ and the head of Christ is God- 1 Corinthians 11:3. Imagine this with me. Take a knife & cut my head off (not really, but you  know), and cut my husbands head off.. and cut Christ's head off. Take my husband's head & place it on my body. Take Christ's head and place it on my husband. Where does my head go?! To my one day children. But as of right now, my head is gone & my husband's head is sitting on it. Which means my husband and I are ONE & HE is loving ME like HE would LOVE his own body. WHEN I look to my husband's body, on HIS head is CHRIST. So, as I SUBMIT myself to my husband, I'm really submitting my BODY to CHRIST. So it sure makes it a lot easier to submit to someone.. when the wife is constantly looking at CHRIST. 

8. Stay snatched. I learned that  you have to bend in the way you look. You are no longer dressing "cute" for anybody else but first your husband. My husband wasn't crazy about my blonde hair-- so now it's dark brown with highlights. I had to meet him in the middle. We work out to stay healthy & look good for each other. You gotta maintain this area. There is not thrown' down on KFC & Big Macs for dinner in our home. We eat HEALTHY meals. WE need to be around for a long time to preach, write books and everything else. 

9. God speaks to my husband better than me. Umm. yeah. This was a fun one to learn. I used to nag in the beginning of our marriage. HE NEEDED TO UNDERSTAND. Girl, bye. That man just went into the man cave of his heart & he won't be coming out anytime soon. I learned to rest & place my trust in God concerning my husband. YES, I still addressed issues in our marriage but at times, God would tell me to shut it up because HE was handling it. WE are help-meets. So are you helping or hindering him? Make sure you move out of the way so your guy can hear from God. 

10. My husband has my best interest at heart. I had to learn to trust him in this area. I had been SO hurt in past relationships. I had to LET my guard down & trust the GOD in him to lead our family, not abandon our marriage and to believe the best. EVEN in times IN our marriage where we said.. "WHY did I MARRY YOU!?" Yes-- we've had our share of arguments. Fights will happen. Things happen in marriage. God weans you and at times, it sure doesn't feel good. But it's for your good. If you just stick it out, you'll see the fruit of it. Our first thought shouldn't divorce.. but reconciliation. LOVE bears up under ANYTHING. (1 Cor 13:4) 

11. NEVER SLEEP APART. Even if you're arguing. FORCE your mad tail right back into bed. Don't let your spouse run you out of your bed. Arguments WILL happen. It's marriage. The bible tells us "not to let the sun go down while you're still angry"-Ephesians 4:26. Don't get in the habit of running out of your bed when you're upset. You'll create a habit of sleeping apart.. or in other places. No matter HOW bad the fight is.. tears & all, I know my husband and I will be right in that bed together that night. Thankfully, we don't fight as much as we did the first year. lol Matter of fact, we don't really fight at all anymore. We have mastered peace. 

12. Code Words: How have we mastered peace? Code words are your friend. If my husband and I get into an argument, we say "JESUS"-- meaning ALL arguments cease & we will not continue this conversation any further until our emotions settle. 

13. God can give you the hook up. I remember one day I was upset with Cornelius and God told me as I went for a drive-- "Heather, I created and know Cornelius. I can tell you how he functions & give you the inside on how to use wisdom with Him." Ummmm.. why didn't I THINK of that?! Thanks Jesus! :) lol 

14. My husband takes longer to cool down then me. If we have a heated discussion-- I can forgive and get over it in 2 minutes. My husband may need longer to settle down. I've learned to pull back and give him space to hear from God. 

15. Marriage is best, done God's way. So stop watching stupid reality TV shows of pretend marriages because you're comparing it to somebody's highlight reel of a marriage and then they end up divorced in a year. Your home is your vacation home. (that's what I call ours) Make it beautiful ladies. Be his cheerleader. Love him like crazy, spend a ton of time with God & let Him lead you. 


I am sensing in my spirit some people that may not feel like their spouse is really living for God. Sis, I want to encourage you to "win him over with your quiet & gentle spirit"- 1 peter 3:1. Just cling to God and believe the BEST. If he acts a fool, cook him breakfast and ask him if he needs anything else. PLEASE believe, I'm telling you to do it because I DID it. There's times where I thought we may not work out after a HUGE argument. I got quiet before God and I recall God's spirit spoke to me.. He said that His spirit was grieved because of the argument. He told me to forgive my husband and ask my husband to forgive me for what was said. Even though my feelings were still upset.. I still got my tail up & cooked. Pursue.. PEACE. THINGS will get better. Stay encouraged.

And Happy Anniversary to my king. I adore you. 

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God loves you like crazy,

Heather Lindsey